Disaster in Hammockland and the Electoral College

So I fell out of my hammock today. One may wonder how you can possibly fall out of a hammock after 2 months of hammock laying experience. I honestly have been in a hammock at least 2-3 times per day for the last 2 solid months. But today, I was just cocky in my hammock laying methodology and the next thing you know I was no longer in my hammock. So here’s how this went down. I was lying in my hammock during a Spanish class break shooting the breeze with my two classmates. But I decided that I wanted to lie on my stomach. So I sat up in my hammock and leaned forward thinking that if I sat in the hammock and just laid my head gently down that my weight distribution would be optimum for stomach-leaning-hammock fun. Well, the next thing I knew I was swinging upside down with my arms and legs wrapped around the hammock. This happened in the space of about 3 seconds and with zero sound. So I just kind of hung there for a moment thinking that if I was very quiet that nobody would notice and I would be able to figure out a way out of that situation with my dignity intact. Unfortunately, somebody noticed that I was no longer participating in the conversation and was dangling from the bottom of a hammock. So I finally gave in and let go. Moral of the story: Lazy-boy would be a good franchise opportunity in Honduras.

Yesterday and today we went hiking up into some mountains to look at some gravity-based water systems in two different communities near here. Both systems had some good things and bad things about them. For example, in one community they had planted crops above the spring box right in the recharge zone of the watershed and were fumigating their crops with DDT. Yep, that’s right, DDT like Joni Mitchell “Hey farmer farmer, put away that DDT now, give me spots on my apples and leave me the birds and the bees, please.” Well, for those of you that don’t already know, we still manufacture DDT and sell it to 3^rd world countries to use on their crops. Nice. Anyway, so when it rains… well you can imagine what happens. Just to add insult to injury this particular spring box and watershed wasn’t protected by fencing and the cows just roamed free. Imagine how delicious that water is when it rains. Not good. This was pretty much in stark contrast with the other system we saw and how much it was protected. Basically, if this community doesn’t do something to protect their watershed they are going to run out of water in about 5 years. So part of our observations today included typing up recommendations that we are going to give to that communities’ water board including reforesting the area above the watershed, not planting crops in that area, and getting the cows out.

Anyway, all that was lead up to me telling you about how I fell down the mountain today. First of all, I was mega dehydrated today and yesterday to the point where I drank my rehydration salts that I’m supposed to use when I get diarrhea (I say “when” as it is inevitable, although I did stop eating mantequilla). I’m not sure why all of the sudden my lips looked like I just ate a giant bucket of salty popcorn, but it was so ridiculous I got a migraine from it and everything. So, I was really weak today going up the mountain which incidentally was really steep. And, just to further put myself in the deep end, I forgot to wear my hiking boots today and had on my tennis shoes. So on the way up I basically pulled myself up by the rocks and did Scooby-doo style scooting up the mountain. So on the way back down I was following our spry guide of about 60 years old. He was spry, I’m not being sarcastic. And when HE slid down the path I knew I was in trouble. I looked like I was trying to walk across an ice skating rink with flip flops. The guide literally started laughing at me the 3^rd time I fell. And so were the vol’s behind me. The 4^th time I just said screw it and slid as far as I could. I’m pretty sure there was a laugh track and a sound affect going “WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!” the whole way down. Incidentally, why do all of the trees and bushes in Honduras have to have thorns? I mean SERIOUSLY! Throw me a bone here!

We get our site placements in a week and a half. I am totally excited and seriously nervous. I usually don’t badger people, but I have totally been badgering my director for information. I finally sat down and had a talk with myself. “Becktacular,” I said, “why are you being such a freakazoid about this?” Then it hit me that for the first time in 13 years somebody else is deciding where I am going to be living for the next 2 years. Not that I didn’t know this ahead of time, but once I realized that was my issue, I have gotten more zen about the whole thing. Okay, that’s a big lie. I totally hate not knowing what’s going on. But I do have faith in our directors that they will put us where we are needed the most and where we will be happy.

I ran out of my amazing Dr. Brommers Magic Soap the other day which I use for brushing my teeth, washing my hair, and as soap. It was a sad day for me as I had to buy all three of those things and it wasn’t cheap. I ended up finding colgate which was exciting. I got some kind of soap that supposedly smelled like almonds but really smells curiously like an old lady. For shampoo I bought some that promised it would put an end to my dry, lifeless hair, but in reality just smelled like rotten milk. I actually read the ingredients to see if maybe there was goat’s milk or something that went bad in the Pespire heat. Nope. It just smells curiously like rotten milk. So I smell lately like an old lady with sour milk hair. This does not please me.

The one cultural thing that I really just don’t ever think I will be able to adapt to is lip pointing. For quite some time I thought that Hondurans as a people had some kind of weird lip tick or twitch. Turns out that pointing at people here is seriously rude so instead they point with their lips. This freaks me out every single time. I am sure that the look on my face is priceless when people lip point when I am talking to them. I never have any idea what they are doing and I look completely perplexed. Some of the gringos have started picking it up and every time they do it I think they are making kissy faces at me and then I REALLY get confused. Ah lip pointing. I got to figure out a way to point without being rude and without using my lips. I just feel like a moron when I even try.

A spider must have just had babies up in my room. There are a bazillion tiny little spiders in my room. I kill them when I see them but they are seriously tiny. This does not portend well towards my wishes to sleep tonight. I hope they aren’t attracted to sour milk and old ladies.

I am not sure about Hondurans’ taste in television. I personally choose to watch as little as possible while still spending time with my host family. But the stuff they watch, I mean REALLY. I have actually seen them bypass Family Guy and The Simpsons just so they could watch a TV Novella. This mystifies me completely as they all have the exact same plot and I am never sure which one I am actually watching. And movies? They will watch George of the Jungle and laugh like it is the funniest movie they have ever seen in their lives. I mean really guys, let’s watch something a little more quality, like Anchorman, or Zoolander. Oh well, there is no accounting for taste.

I have started giving myself daily bouts of motion sickness. I blame the Honduran seating arrangements for this. Everything is either a rocking chair or a hammock. I need Dramamine just to rest my weary legs for a few minutes. You may think I should just stop swinging and rocking. I defy you to sit in a rocking chair or hammock in 100 degree weather and NOT try to make your own wind.

So, I try to talk about the most ridiculous things in my Spanish class. I’m not sure if that’s because I secretly want to be in a David Sedaris essay (Easter Bunnies? Anyone? No?) or if I just like to make life difficult for myself, but I bring up the most ridiculous topics and then try to explain them in Spanish. It always starts so benignly like somebody will say “Oh, my neighbor’s puppy died yesterday.” And then turns into a big discussion on Buddhism which invariably was my doing. I mean really, Buddhism? My favorite conversation of late was over the Electoral College. I don’t even remember what curious twist of fate brought us to that topic, but I have no doubt that it was my doing. Think about the times you have tried to explain the Electoral College in English. Yeah, now try to explain it with mediocre Spanish:

“We do the voting for the people and then another person make the voting.”

“What?”

“We voted, then a man makes the vote for the state.”

“What man?”

“I don’t know. But there are men for every state. Some state have 20 mens, some have 2 mens.”

“Where do the men come from.”

“Ummm…. I don’t know but the men make the vote for the president.”

“And you don’t know who these men are.”

“Umm…. no.” (as all the gringos look at each other in discomfort)

“So America isn’t a democracy?”

(At this point I briefly consider trying to explain that America is more like a capitalist republic, but decided against it)

“No, no. It democracy. It good democracy. Some people think electoral college (which we say in English) it better because dead people vote no counting.”

“Dead people vote?”

“Well, sometimes.”

“So dead people vote and America isn’t a democracy.”

“Well, no. Umm. (much dictionary shuffling ensues) Every state has these peoples who depend on the populations, and when the people vote popular the mens make the votes with the majority of the populars. And the most votes electoral college makes the presidents.”

“So you are saying that sometimes the popular vote doesn’t win?”

“Exactly.”

“So America isn’t a democracy.”

“Ummm….. is it time for a recess?”

I have also attempted to talk about atheism, agnosticism, marriage rights, harry potter (during a freekin’ interview… I may have noted that in a past blog. If not remind me, it’s a good story), how religion encourages poverty, and all manner of ridiculous topics. And this, my friends, is why I am still Intermedio-Medio. Because in my last interview I was given this scenario to discuss “You are helping your host mom make a salad in the kitchen. Ask her for the ingredients and have a normal dinner discussion.” And I was like…. Ummmm…. I had no idea how to say anything in the kitchen other than tomato and lettuce. I couldn’t even say knife. I tried to describe “nuts” by saying “It’s those things that grow on trees that you have to break open that you can eat. You know, they are little? About this big? And sometimes they fall and you can eat them… No?” But, I can talk poorly about political policy until I’m blue in the face. Great.

Okay, I have to go. I am supposed to be writing notecards for an AIDS lecture we are giving in the high school tomorrow. I have more to write about but I have a feeling the AIDS charla will be a whole ‘nother post so I will post this one first. Take care all! Study your Spanish!