With grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair.

Hello Friends and family and complete strangers who read my blog!

Yeah so I guess I am officially one of those people that writes a blog every once in awhile and then puts it off until she gets scolded by family member. I could give you all sorts of reasons but my blogs are long enough as it is so I will spare your eyes the excuses.

So if you recall in my last blog I was struggling quite a bit. It was not the lowest point in my service which actually hit a couple of weeks ago, but I was not in a good place emotionally. I’m not going to say that everything is perfect now, but what can you do? Peace Corps isn´t supposed to be easy. You can give up and go home. You can stop caring. You can refuse to love. Or, you can pull yourself up, learn from your mistakes, and try to do better. Seems to me that this is pretty much what life is about – learning from your mistakes and improving yourself constantly (you may need to remind me of this occasionally).

I still stand by many of the things I said in my last blog. I’m not so sure that I am a very good person anymore though I want to be. Honduras has shown me some of the worst in myself though some of the best, too. I think one of the things that really illustrate this was something that happened in San Pedro Sula a bit ago. I was returning from a trip and had been traveling together with a friend for 12 hours. We got to our hotel exhausted and hungry and after dealing with major issues with a flooded hotel room walked to a nearby pizza chain to get some food. On the way a couple of dirty, probably homeless kids of around 12 years old asked us for money to buy food. I have a pretty standard policy of not giving money away in Honduras because I’m really not paid much, for the sheer quantity of times I get asked, and that it puts you in danger of people thinking you have money here. It’s some of the basic security we are taught. So I told the kids no and walked into the pizza place.

So we got our pizza and started walking back to our hotel with it and one of the kids started shouting at me to give him some pizza and started running across the street to catch us. My initial reaction was to turn and shout at him “DON’T BOTHER ME! GO AWAY!” and he was clearly startled by my reaction and backed off. For some reason that has troubled me ever since. Not because I didn’t give a homeless kid money. Like I said, here it is dangerous to just hand out money although I arguably should have bought them a pizza which is what I would have done in the states. It was my initial reaction that this kid was going to rob me and the rather hateful immediate response that I had. Part of me argues with myself that this is my Peace Corps training kicking in as well as the knowledge that here in Honduras it is usually kids that rob you so I was not wrong in my reaction. But the other part of me wonders at the attitude behind my assumption and thus what my heart really shows.

I’ve been bothered by this event quite a bit since it happened and sometimes my thoughts will float back there. I also wrote last that I was struggling to find peace. So I have spent a lot of time reading lately on these themes and one thing I read that really struck me is that it’s what your heart shows that matters. Bad thoughts, negative attitudes, laziness, and so on affect you even if it is passive and you don’t indulge in it. The trick is to change your heart by changing your thoughts. Am I getting to new wavy? This is what happens when you guys tell me to update my blog when I’m turned inward. Anyway, so I’m working on it – on letting go of the past and future, on cultivating love for all people, on having a graceful heart. My grandma who knows I have been struggling and who is pretty much my rock (and the rock in my family) sent me this poem you have probably heard before:

Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing alright.

I have no gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.

I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten chocolate.

I have charged nothing on my credit card.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then.

There is also a song I have recently acquired from a friend (thanks C, best CD ever) called “After the Storm” by Mumford and Sons that illustrate what I feel like has happened in my life recently (really the whole damn CD is sort of a theme for me these days. You should check it out). Not just the incident with the boy and the pizza but also my attitude, the smothering loneliness of Peace Corps, looking at myself with painful honesty, trying to accomplish projects, suffering heartbreak, realizing some of my weaknesses, and trying to grow, find peace, be better. Again. Still. Always. And don’t worry, I know I am way too hard on myself. I can’t seem to help it. It’s an ingrained personality trait to blame myself when things don’t go well. But I’m working on it.

But there will come a time, you’ll see.

With no more tears.

And love will not break your heart

And dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see

What you find there

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

So yeah, that is pretty much it. I was nice enough to give you a pretty short version (short for me). Things have been tough. But they are getting better by sheer willpower combined with some meditation and increased exercise (hahaha!). And I honestly have to say that my neighbor ladies (friends) have become my 3 aunts. They have noticed that when I shut myself up in my apartment that I am depressed and have now made obvious attempts to drag me out, come in and chat, bring me food, and so on when they notice it. But I now spend a lot of time hanging out with them. Especially Nolbia who has become a genuinely close friend. Of course, they still have no idea I am gay, but that is just better. They are my saviors here I think. Very very good friends. The picture on the right is actually me watching World Cup with Nolbia, my other neighbor Kenya (they are making fish soup), and Heiro (Nolbia’s brother-in-law).

Speaking of World Cup. What the hell is with the refs? And holy cow this has been an exciting world cup! And go Honduras! Eliminated, yes, but they went for the first time in 28 years. Pretty awesome. I also put here the picture of Carlos when we all got up at 5:30am to watch the first Honduras game.  (Okay so this paragraph is proof that I started on this blog like a million years ago and just now finished it.)

So enough cogitating on life, love, loss, learning, and whatever other bit of alliteration I can throw in. On to life in Honduras.

So I was thinking the other day about why I wasn’t writing as many blogs lately and some of it was my mindset, yes, and some of it is that things have just become normal now. It’s not that the humor is gone so much as that it is a normal part of life. So instead of thinking of things as odd I now just see them as normal. This does give me a bit of concern as to how I may behave when I go back to the states for Christmas. Oh, by the way, rules and suggestions for Christmas if I come to visit you or if you visit me in Tallahassee:

1. Becky shall not be fed eggs, plantains, rice, beans, or tortillas or any version thereof unless it is an ingredient in King Ranch Chicken or something amazingly not Honduran.
2. If Becky is handed a bottle of piss-beer she reserves the right to hit the giver over the head with the bottle and demand a proper ale.
3. Becky shall not be fed rum of any sort in any rummy appearance unless it involves the word “cake.”
4. Please do not be alarmed if Becky can’t stop staring at your entertainment system, iPhone 67, hovercraft, flux capacitor, and whatever the hell else has been invented in the past 2 years.
5. Please do not be alarmed if you find Becky hiding in a box. This is just culture shock. Give Becky a beer (please see #2 above) and she will be fine.
6. Becky may attempt to ride in the back of and/or hang on the side of your vehicle. Simply show Becky that a seat is available and instruct her in the use of a seat belt.
7. In accordance with #6 you may want to hide any cows or donkeys or Becky may mistakenly think it is her ride.
8. Please do not be alarmed if Becky closes her eyes and whispers prayers of deliverance while you are driving. This is simply habit and is not a reflection on you or your driving.
9. Please be aware that any whistling or kissing noise may be misconstrued and Becky may punch the innocent noise maker in the nose.
10. Be aware that Becky realizes that her left leg looks like it was ravaged by a cheese grater. This was due to an unfortunate incident with a bug. Focus on Becky’s right leg. It looks almost normal.
11. You are encouraged to roll with the Spanglish.
12. Becky shall not be required to listen to Raeggeaton, Bryan Adams, Toto, or Celine Dion.
13. Becky shall not be asked if she is married, if she has a boyfriend, why she doesn’t have a boyfriend, or if she can marry you and take you to Never-neverland.
14. No reference shall be made to Becky’s raggedy ass clothes. If you don’t like her raggedy ass clothes you can buy her a new shirt. She makes $6 a day god damnit.
15. Be aware that Becky is allowed to take bubble baths in lengths exceeding what you may consider appropriate.
16. Please do not be alarmed if Becky gasps in amazement or freezes in awe. Likewise do not be surprised if she constantly exclaims phrases such as: “But it’s so CLEAN!” or “Nobody is STARING at me!” or “You can drink it out of the TAP?!?!” or “GOD I miss GAY PEOPLE!”

So I have started thinking about what I want to do after Peace Corps. I mentioned in past blogs that diving is pretty much the one thing that gives me unconditional joy (well my nieces are pretty damn cute). Well, I would be pretty pissed if my equipment failed and I died so maybe there is that ONE condition. That I not die. So I’m trying to figure out ways that I can do diving as a career or at least continue to dive and possibly work part time in diving after Peace Corps. I’m also feeling the pressure to pay off my student loans (someday, someday) so I feel like I should work in a better paying job as well. So I’m not really sure but for your entertainment and knowledge at the moment I am seriously considering the following after PC:

• Getting my Divemaster (this is a certainty regardless) and working as a DM to save money to get the instructors and then work as an instructor for awhile. Ideally I would like to work as an Instructional Designer while doing this so I can pay off my loans while working to live as a DM/Instructor. This is my #1 choice but may be unlikely as I don’t have savings to rely on if things go sour. But on the bright side I could make everyone call me “Instructional Designer Scuba Master Becky” or maybe just “Divemaster-B.”
• Teach English in Taiwan a year. I have started investigating this pretty heartily. It looks like the pay is decent enough but I wouldn’t be able to pay on my loans. But I would be very near to diving in South Taiwan and possibly could get put down in the South so I can dive frequently and maybe even freelance as a Divemaster. I’ve never taught English but I’m pretty sure I could do it. I may have to brush up on a few things, like what nouns are, but no worries.
• Teach English in Korea a year. I have also started investigating this. It looks like the pay is really good and I could save a lot of money. There is some diving in South Korea but I’m not sure how good it is. Need to research the diving a bit more but this also seems like a really cool option. Plus I would be near Buddhist centers and could work on some of that a bit. Same in Taiwan I expect. Plus from Korea I could springboard pretty easily to Cambodia, Japan, etc. And hell, if the apocalypse hits I’ll be right in the middle of it and won’t have to worry about dealing with being a survivor!
• Work abroad in Instructional Design. Even if I can’t dive I still want to travel. I’m considering looking around Europe for ID jobs. I know it’s hard to get work visa’s over there but if I can get a job in the EU it might be a good springboard for traveling to all the nearby countries while working. And I could always wreck dive.
• Return to work in the US in ID. This is obviously the most likely thing to happen. But I want to stay somewhere near diving so my obvious top choices would be Florida, California, and Hawaii.
• Do ID work for PADI or NAUI (dive certification companies). They use IDers and I would LOVE to do ID work for the dive industry. But not sure how to break into that and if I need to be an instructor first. I imagine so.
• Become a pirate.

So yeah, my idea is that I want to keep doing ID work and keep diving. I like ID work a lot especially for academia and it’s pretty much what I have continued doing here in Honduras. But diving is what I really want to do. If I didn’t have the loans it would be no contest. I would just be a dive instructor. But then I’m not even a rescue diver yet so I should probably do that first… Anyway, anybody out there have any other ideas for traveling and working? I don’t think I’m cut out for Foreign Service although I did think about USAID.

Oh so yeah, above I was talking about that now things seem more normal to me than they did before so I don’t really find things that funny anymore. And really this is pretty true. I mean, to me, having a 2 ton bull chilling out in your front yard just means you have to be careful not to step in 2 ton bull shit. I was surprised the other day when a couple of new trainees were visiting me and they took pictures of the donkeys chilling on the sidewalk by my house. It took me a second to remember that donkeys don’t normally hang out on your front porch in the US. What an odd country, the US. I mean, how are you supposed to haul your beans home if you don’t have a donkey nearby? It’s a wonder the US is a superpower at all!

I also just have come to really enjoy taxi rides in Tegucigalpa rather than being terrified. They are just pure comedy. First of all you are literally taking your life into your hands when you ride in a taxi as they swerve up on curbs, through red lights, between lanes, never slowing, never braking, just going with the flow. Or creating the flow. My last taxi ride had the best theme song to it ever. Usually it is reaggeaton which is appropriate enough for a taxi ride. But this time I started giggling in the back seat as I heard the bumping beats of:

In L.A they get Krazy (Hey)

Miami they get Krazy
In New York they get Krazy (I see it)

Atlanta they get Krazy (ATL Baby)
In London they get Krazy (a Huh)

in Paris they get Krazy (a Huh)

(And so on)

I mean how perfect? And I swear taxis move to the beat of the song including when they hit bumps so I feel the whole time like I am in a Guerilla’s music video.

So yeah, although I have come to accept a lot of things about Honduras there are still a lot of things about the US that I really miss. I definitely made a tactical error in not going home before this coming Christmas. Now of course I miss my family and friends, more than they probably realize. More than I realized I would, honestly, but even more so I miss things such as:

• Sidewalks. Sidewalks here mystify me. Why bother wasting concrete if you are just going to put an electric pole in the middle of your sidewalk. Or make it go from 4 feet wide to 1 inch wide in the space of 10 feet. Or make it 4 feet above the street with no stairs. Or let your drunk uncle sleep on it. I mean seriously, people.
• Lines. I am convinced that lines are the mark of a developed country. When people in developing countries can queue up and wait their turn it will be a sign that the NGO’s, USAID, and Peace Corps can go home. Their work is done.
• Men. Now this one may surprise you. But I mean it. And just hang with me for a second all of my jaded lady friends. I miss having male friends and it being perfectly normal. And I miss not having to wonder if a guy is talking to me because he hopes I’ll marry him, have 20 of his babies, make tortillas all day, and take him to the US so he can cheat on me. I swear I am suspicious of every man who says a word to me and it makes me feel terrible. But I swear people, the men here are about to drive me into a life of raging lesbianism…. Wait…
• Gay people. And by gay I do mean happy, of course. But I also mean gay people.
• Kitchen Appliances. Now I have learned that these are really entirely unnecessary. But dear god I do miss blending, baking, liquefying, poaching, grating, wokking, and so on.

Okay seriously I could go on and on but I think I should save some things for another blog. I’ll come back to that topic next time.

So I have been up to a lot work wise. Rather than go on and on about it I’m going to put up a couple of pages with information on what has been going on with my projects. Feel free to read them if you are interested and feel free to lend some help if you so feel inclined as well. There are tabs up at the top of the page for my projects.

I have continued to travel around although the past couple of months I have stayed home to try to make some headway on a few projects that needed quite a bit of attention. I was planning on going to Nicaragua soon but my plans got a bit waylaid. So now I’m considering if I want to go to Guatemala and El Salvador for a bit and then go to Nicaragua and Costa Rica after service or vice versa. I have about 2 weeks before I start the DM that I want to travel a bit. I’d like to see all of Central America before I leave if possible. And maybe get down to Colombia to see a couple of friends down there. But I am sidetracked.

Anyway, lots of people ask me about diving and when I have been last. Truthfully last I went was in late February early March. Waaaaay too long ago. So I think I may make another trip very soon to finally suck it up and do Rescue. I have a bit of a problem taking my mask of underwater (sort of like extreme terror) so I have to fix that issue before I can rescue people, but hopefully I will be a Rescue Diver by my birthday. And then I’ll just dive for fun when/if I can afford it until I start the DM! I’m so excited about that it’s ridiculous.

So I guess I will leave it for now. Feel free to check out what is going on in my projects. A lot has been going on down here but not all of it is stuff that I can blog about. Suffice it to say that things have been interesting. I’ve been on top of the world and I’ve also been pretty low. But at the end of the day I try to remember my reasons for coming, I try to remember there are people who need and want my help, and I try to remember that you can choose to learn from all the things that happen to you. Then there are still beautiful things in the world, like the millions of butterflies in Honduras that flitter and flutter by you when you are walking to a community. Things like that make me smile. And who knows, maybe I will accomplish something good. And if I don’t, well, at least I will have tried. That’s more than most.